At first it was just me and a few school kids. It made me think of my school days, which were largely lonely and unhappy. Slowly more kids and work-going people arrived at the station. I started to think about the train journey (a mere 4 minutes long) and being in a full carriage. I then thought about my arrival at the destination station and not knowing exactly the way after that. The noises started getting louder, the people closer and my heart faster. I wanted to cry and get the fuck out of there. I tried to assure myself that it would be fine but I wasn't listening. I walked home as fast as I could and on my return, I went into a panic attack.
I phoned my therapist after I had calmed down. "Try not to be discouraged, think of it as a small blip in your progress. It's a journey and it takes time", she said. I know she's right, but that's the problem. I know that it's all a process and I'll have ups and downs. I KNOW this. But it's been five fucking years now. Five fucking years and I still can't take a train by myself. After all the things I have been capable of in my life, to loose the ability to do something so simple is really hard to deal with. But hey, onwards and upwards yeah? Blah blah fucking blah...