In my darkest moments I have wanted nothing more than to die. A very faint part of me knew that this was not the case; that I wanted to live a long, full life. But this was the most terrifying aspect; I had lost so much control that the rest of body was screaming for me to do something I did not want. That lack of control is always going to be possible for me and I will always have the fear of falling that far. This idea, along with countless others, gives fuel to the symptomatic fire of my depression and negative thinking.
One thing I have learnt over the past few years is a self awareness that helps keep at least some part of my conciousness on the rational path. However, no matter how aware and logical this part is, on these blue days it is outweighed by the symptoms of my depression. This ability to at least be aware of my symptoms does, for the most part, prevent me from totally loosing control and spiralling back down into the depths of my breakdown. I have to remind myself daily of how far I have come, how aware I am of my mental health and my limitations. On blue days, it is harder to do that.
Still, before I began this post, I was thinking "don't do this now, you're in a bad way, it'll be nothing but a repetitive, self indulgent dirge". Today I was lucky, not only did a part of me pipe up and say "just start writing", but I actually managed to open up the page and start typing. Now I've finished a whole post. That, I did not expect. It could be argued that it is repetitive and self indulgent, but it's more eloquent that I expected, so that's one thing. It seems this blog might just be doing its job.